When one door closes, there's always the back door

Or maybe the chimney---too bad our houses are all chimney-less though.

So I got the job (just can't stop smiling from one ear to the other now). Let's see how the detailed offer would be. Will get back on this one---soonest.

Meanwhile, I'm in love. So what if we're not meant to be with each other---I'd still love him. And I'm not expecting anything out of it. I'm just loving this feeling---and am embracing it tightly.

He makes me feel like dancing. It's euphoric.

Guess the push-and-pull state is not a bad thing after all.

Ah it's that issue about work again!

I was once a very motivated employee in the agency. Asked any question, I would be able to answer them or at least will do my own private research until I found the answer. I picked things up very fast and I radiated positive energy to every one around me---including the tea lady. Multi-tasking was never really an issue to me and I'd drive around to meet Clients everyday or even just to do any errand although it's not mine to worry about. The people at work were like family to me. I was happy.

That was then.

Now, I'm just one of the furniture in the office---whether or not I'm an attractive one, that is not for me to judge (well do I sound like I care now?). I spend my work hours on the Net---making sure my Facebook profile is updated every minute, I Twit randomly every second and heck, I blog. These are the kinda things which I have refrained myself from doing when I was motivated at work. But that is no longer the case here.

I love my job. I still do. But nothing inspires me anymore. I see people left the agency---and perhaps most of them are those who used to drive me; inspired me. I thought I could pass on their passion to my juniors---or so I thought. I was a well-trained blind, who tried to lead the blinds without any proper (or professional) guidance. Sigh. Yea maybe I didn't try enough. But hey, I just don't see the point of trying anymore. I mean like, who cares about things around here? Bitching about own team mates are far more important and "exciting" things to do than doing something worthwhile---like actually, work.

Yea somehow the newbies have inculcated the "bitching" culture in the office. Everyone bitches here---the Finance peeps bitch about the Managers, the Managers bitch about the Executives, the Executives bitch about the Creative team, heck everyone bitches about the GM! Now, I'm not claiming that I'm a Saint---I do bitch. Like alot. But I don't bitch about my colleagues with the Clients. That's like a big NO-NO. But yea, it happens here. And the sucky part about it? Everyone seems to be okay with it. It's supposed to be part of the "PR" initiatives---And so they say. I majored in Public Relations before, and I've never learnt that bitching-about-your -colleagues-to-the-Clients will help in the growth of the agency. Or maybe it's just one of the subjects that you'd learn outside the classroom.

Or maybe you're not suppose to do that. Ethically.

Dangs.

Yea I'm helpless. I need a fresh environment. Like a good friend used to tell me "If you don't like where you are, move along. You're not a tree." Hence, that's exactly I'm going to do if not sooner, the soonest.

I can't stand spending most of my hours of the day with people who bitches 24/7.

I'm not inspired by the "talk-too-much-but-never-do-anything-about-things" management.

My somewhat comfort and happy zone has been violated.

I just want to leave already.

Hang on, I AM already leaving...

Sometimes when you see nothing, you see everything.

I see nothing. Still.

To love and to be loved

This is crazy.

Just when I thought he has been "the one who got away".

It's all coming back to me now.

He's the answer to my question. He has always been.

BUT I have obligations; sister (who has been the greatest influential person in my life) encourages me to settle down or at least date a foreigner (non-Malaysian to be precise)---this has been planted in my system since forever and I breathe everyday with that strong thought and desire. Best friend on the other hand, just hates him---just because of what he has done to me in the past.

The past; which I have successfully erased that part of him from my memories.

Now that he's back in my life---I don't want anything else but him.

Me wanting him---that's just against every thing in my system. Now and then.

Sigh. Obligations.

I've been taking my baby steps towards getting a non-Malaysian boyfriend and I was almost there. Almost. (I'm officially superficial at this line).

Until he decided to pop back into my life again. Unannounced. And the feelings are still the same. Amazing.

Is this love?

I don't know.

If it is, then why does it choose to appear at the very wrong time? Why did he even choose to come back into my life again at this time after all the years of being fully disconnected from each other?

Letting things to go with the flow is an option BUT there's also a saying that goes like; what flows in easily will flow out easily too---sigh.

I think too much. I'm too careful.

I just want to love and to be loved already.

Narsh.

Sunday blues

It's Sunday--and so thought I could sleep in more than I had yesterday, but somehow I was woken up by this loud cheers came from outside my apartment. Took a glance from my bedroom window and the cheers came from this primary school just behind the apartment--the kids were having their Sports Day...aaaaawww how cute, I thought. Well I was never really an athletic person (I was active in school but I mainly did sports games and nothing solo), but I was always into this kinda school events--always had something to do for the Sports Day--be it in the marching team, the pom-pom team, or even in the Red Cross on duty--I was always there. So when I saw these kids were cheering for their teams, I felt somewhat like I'm a kid again--a small girl who was carefree--a small girl who jumped and skipped around in the school field worry-free. Sigh. I miss those state of mind.

Yea I am still demotivated at this moment.

...
..
.

Someone please kick my back (no, not in that way)--just wake me up already!

The need for a change is back in town again

I'm officially at the brink of leaving my job again. I love my job--undoubtedly. I love the people that I'm working with but I guess that no longer inspire me. I want more. Urgh. I hate this phase--although I knew somehow that I will get here some day since this is not the first time I'm having the urge to move on--it's somewhat seasonal. My drive for a change is driving me nuts. I can't imagine how is the place which I used to call my second home before has becoming more and more mundane to me? Trust me, I've done all I could to spice things up again but it somehow just couldn't work anymore. Sigh. I don't know.

Can I just move on already?

My life is like a circus and I am the juggler

Life around me has been like a busy circus-work's getting unusually demotivating, issues at the home front, house mate is moving out, old flame's asking for another shot but I'm crazy about someone who's thousand miles away although we've only met twice...sigh. I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder where do I get the strength to carry on from. Perhaps it's true what most people say today-we're getting desperate during this economic downturn. Nothing we do today seems right. Everything will or eventually lead to a disaster-well maybe disaster is a strong word-perhaps conflict is more appropriate. I don't know. I hate confrontation, I don't want to choose, I don't want to decide-I'm just wishing for everything to turn out well (although somehow in the midst of all this drama, that wish is just so beyond reach).

Oh well. Keep me sane already.