23rd Psalm

1. The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
2. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still
waters.
3. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His
name's sake.
4. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no
evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
5. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou
anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will
dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Words of comfort especially dedicated to my friend and his family for the loss of their beloved mom, wife, sister and granny on March 11, 2009.

May her soul rest in peace.

Numb

Half of my day went well today until I saw a text from a good friend of mine. His mom (who has been sick on and off as of late), just got admitted in the hospital again today. If months ago it was because of her eyes, today, she had a sudden seizure, of which she was only suppose to go for a normal check up. She woke up without recognizing my friend-her own son. Sigh. I got numb for a moment after reading the text. I don't think I would know what to do if I were to be in my friend's shoes. I called up my dad straight away and just kept quiet after saying "hello". Something is up, my dad must thought. He started a conversation immediately. He knew. He cracked a joke and made me laugh, naturally. And so I told him what had happened. His tone changed. I heard the voices of my nephews of 9 and 11 and niece of 5 years old at the background. Their voices somehow diverted the mood of our conversation. And this time, I tried to change the topic by asking how everyone is doing back home. "They're all fine" my dad said. Awkward silence. My dad asked about my friend's mom again. And so we talked it through. "There's nothing we can do. Just be strong for your friend," my dad said. With that, I wanted so much to be home now. To be with my family. To feel secure. But my dad was right. I have to be strong. Not just for my friend. But for myself too. Sooner or later, we will lose the people that we love regardless. Nothing stays permanently on earth. Until the time comes, we just have to be prepared. Anticipate for the worst to happen-so the pain will be easier to endure.

I'm aware of this.

Very much.

But for now, I just want to stay numb.

*All my prayers to my friend's mom and family*

New me, same story...slightly different episode

I cut my hair short again. Shorter actually. Okay like very short. What drove me? I don't know. I just feel like doing it. I guess this is one of the beauty parts about being single-I do things for myself. Come to think of it, I do everything for myself now. From how I work my ass off just to make sure I get my pay by end of the month (so I can reward myself decently) to the things that I enjoy doing over the weekend (staying in and DVD marathon alone at home are one of those), I decide. The thrill of doing things for myself actually makes me feel good. It makes me feel somewhat functional. Have I never felt this good about myself when I was seeing someone before? Or have I becoming one of those women in their late twenties who opposed relationship (and marriage) incessantly? I don't know. I admit, I do feel lonely at times. Empty, more like it. But I have somehow learn to counter those feelings. And yea, I'm comfortable with the emptiness. I know at this point, I should be scared with my resistance of relationship, but I'm not. Funny. I used to be very sure about relationship. I still am actually-seeing my parents who have been with each other for almost four decades and are still together 'til today. But I guess I'm just safeguarding my feelings. Fell in love as equally the same amount of time I was being heartbroken just doesn't help the situation for the better. It's exhausting.

Perhaps I'm meant to be single. Or perhaps I have not found the right one for me. "The right one", does he even exist? Will this episode in my life ever ends?

Perhaps.

Lent

After so many years, I have finally decided to surrender myself to God again. Saying this, it did not mean that I was not a believer before. I do have faith-it’s only that I had never really connect myself to God-and to the others who praised Him. Because I could not forgive myself for being sinful, I was holding back for many years to profess my faith. Mom was doing the right thing when she dragged me to the penitential service back home last Christmas. It was then I realized how forgiving He is. And so I felt welcomed to His house again. As a result to this, I know that the relationship between Him and I does not only take place on Christmas. So this year, I resolute or at least try to pursue what the other disciples usually do-being sincere to Him, regardless. Hence, I am now committing to the meaning of Lent. Lent is the time for abstinence and repentance. For most, fasting is one way to show abstinence. Now I know I have just reclaimed my faith in Him, however, I do believe that Lent is more than just being humble and modest. Lent is the time for one to pause-to relax. Today, temptations to power, lust and money are happening everywhere. It is, undoubtedly, a human nature to have desires but somehow most desires are devilish which will or most of the time leads to disastrous endings. I must admit that human everywhere is corrupted. And by copycatting one another will not result to any good to anyone. That is why the need to pause is necessary. And to me, Lent is the best time to relook at the ways we have lead our lives-to reanalyze, to cut down any excessive doings and spending and of course, to overcome temptations. And it is also somehow or rather a good time to have a check on our daily diet (it’s time to chuck that at-least-twice-a-week-(or more)-visits-to-uncle-Ronald’s-outlet habit). Most importantly, Lent conveys hope-the hope to be a better person.

And yes, that’s how I look at Lent.

“How do we know whether we can defy temptations? We need to be. We need to go to the places where our faith is always challenged. See if we can conquer our desires. If we disregard them, now that’s when we know we have passed the trials.” - excerpted (not in verbatim) from the sermon during the last Holy mass in St. Ignatius Church.

Last Sunday

Another weekend has just gone by. On Sunday, I decided to take a short nap in the afternoon. But somehow I couldn’t sleep-hence; I tried to kill the time with Paulo Coelho (my latest inspiration). It was raining outside and I thought a nice weather like this would be wasted if it does not accompanied by a nice nap. And so I tried to sleep again…and again. My eyes were shut but my mind was wandering. All sorts of things came to my mind; work, my family back home, the need for me to go for a holiday-and they just wouldn’t stop. My mind skipped from one subject to another. It was indeed tiring. When I opened my eyes, the rain almost stops and the daylight has subsided. It was already dark-the living hall where I was in felt so cold all of the sudden. There I was, alone. It has been like this since, if I can recall clearly, for the past two to three weeks. This, I must admit, is my own choice-to be alone. Had two “so-called” intimate relationships in the past few months with two guys consecutively, and they both ended up with the same reason-ego. In summary, one guy could not take the fact that I raised my voice on him (of which until today I think he deserved my tantrum) and the other one was trying to transform me into a different person (not for the better or for the worst-but just different). I can’t deal with both. How far does a person need to compromise in a relationship before he or she turns into someone not him/herself? And so I moved on. I can’t help but to be amazed with how men could also react in such ways over things that involves emotions. Perhaps I’m so used of being with men who responded otherwise when it comes to feelings. Or have men becoming desperate and more demanding when it comes to finding the right one too? Perhaps.

Fyi, ego mentioned earlier is mine-not theirs.