Numb

Half of my day went well today until I saw a text from a good friend of mine. His mom (who has been sick on and off as of late), just got admitted in the hospital again today. If months ago it was because of her eyes, today, she had a sudden seizure, of which she was only suppose to go for a normal check up. She woke up without recognizing my friend-her own son. Sigh. I got numb for a moment after reading the text. I don't think I would know what to do if I were to be in my friend's shoes. I called up my dad straight away and just kept quiet after saying "hello". Something is up, my dad must thought. He started a conversation immediately. He knew. He cracked a joke and made me laugh, naturally. And so I told him what had happened. His tone changed. I heard the voices of my nephews of 9 and 11 and niece of 5 years old at the background. Their voices somehow diverted the mood of our conversation. And this time, I tried to change the topic by asking how everyone is doing back home. "They're all fine" my dad said. Awkward silence. My dad asked about my friend's mom again. And so we talked it through. "There's nothing we can do. Just be strong for your friend," my dad said. With that, I wanted so much to be home now. To be with my family. To feel secure. But my dad was right. I have to be strong. Not just for my friend. But for myself too. Sooner or later, we will lose the people that we love regardless. Nothing stays permanently on earth. Until the time comes, we just have to be prepared. Anticipate for the worst to happen-so the pain will be easier to endure.

I'm aware of this.

Very much.

But for now, I just want to stay numb.

*All my prayers to my friend's mom and family*

New me, same story...slightly different episode

I cut my hair short again. Shorter actually. Okay like very short. What drove me? I don't know. I just feel like doing it. I guess this is one of the beauty parts about being single-I do things for myself. Come to think of it, I do everything for myself now. From how I work my ass off just to make sure I get my pay by end of the month (so I can reward myself decently) to the things that I enjoy doing over the weekend (staying in and DVD marathon alone at home are one of those), I decide. The thrill of doing things for myself actually makes me feel good. It makes me feel somewhat functional. Have I never felt this good about myself when I was seeing someone before? Or have I becoming one of those women in their late twenties who opposed relationship (and marriage) incessantly? I don't know. I admit, I do feel lonely at times. Empty, more like it. But I have somehow learn to counter those feelings. And yea, I'm comfortable with the emptiness. I know at this point, I should be scared with my resistance of relationship, but I'm not. Funny. I used to be very sure about relationship. I still am actually-seeing my parents who have been with each other for almost four decades and are still together 'til today. But I guess I'm just safeguarding my feelings. Fell in love as equally the same amount of time I was being heartbroken just doesn't help the situation for the better. It's exhausting.

Perhaps I'm meant to be single. Or perhaps I have not found the right one for me. "The right one", does he even exist? Will this episode in my life ever ends?

Perhaps.

Lent

After so many years, I have finally decided to surrender myself to God again. Saying this, it did not mean that I was not a believer before. I do have faith-it’s only that I had never really connect myself to God-and to the others who praised Him. Because I could not forgive myself for being sinful, I was holding back for many years to profess my faith. Mom was doing the right thing when she dragged me to the penitential service back home last Christmas. It was then I realized how forgiving He is. And so I felt welcomed to His house again. As a result to this, I know that the relationship between Him and I does not only take place on Christmas. So this year, I resolute or at least try to pursue what the other disciples usually do-being sincere to Him, regardless. Hence, I am now committing to the meaning of Lent. Lent is the time for abstinence and repentance. For most, fasting is one way to show abstinence. Now I know I have just reclaimed my faith in Him, however, I do believe that Lent is more than just being humble and modest. Lent is the time for one to pause-to relax. Today, temptations to power, lust and money are happening everywhere. It is, undoubtedly, a human nature to have desires but somehow most desires are devilish which will or most of the time leads to disastrous endings. I must admit that human everywhere is corrupted. And by copycatting one another will not result to any good to anyone. That is why the need to pause is necessary. And to me, Lent is the best time to relook at the ways we have lead our lives-to reanalyze, to cut down any excessive doings and spending and of course, to overcome temptations. And it is also somehow or rather a good time to have a check on our daily diet (it’s time to chuck that at-least-twice-a-week-(or more)-visits-to-uncle-Ronald’s-outlet habit). Most importantly, Lent conveys hope-the hope to be a better person.

And yes, that’s how I look at Lent.

“How do we know whether we can defy temptations? We need to be. We need to go to the places where our faith is always challenged. See if we can conquer our desires. If we disregard them, now that’s when we know we have passed the trials.” - excerpted (not in verbatim) from the sermon during the last Holy mass in St. Ignatius Church.

Last Sunday

Another weekend has just gone by. On Sunday, I decided to take a short nap in the afternoon. But somehow I couldn’t sleep-hence; I tried to kill the time with Paulo Coelho (my latest inspiration). It was raining outside and I thought a nice weather like this would be wasted if it does not accompanied by a nice nap. And so I tried to sleep again…and again. My eyes were shut but my mind was wandering. All sorts of things came to my mind; work, my family back home, the need for me to go for a holiday-and they just wouldn’t stop. My mind skipped from one subject to another. It was indeed tiring. When I opened my eyes, the rain almost stops and the daylight has subsided. It was already dark-the living hall where I was in felt so cold all of the sudden. There I was, alone. It has been like this since, if I can recall clearly, for the past two to three weeks. This, I must admit, is my own choice-to be alone. Had two “so-called” intimate relationships in the past few months with two guys consecutively, and they both ended up with the same reason-ego. In summary, one guy could not take the fact that I raised my voice on him (of which until today I think he deserved my tantrum) and the other one was trying to transform me into a different person (not for the better or for the worst-but just different). I can’t deal with both. How far does a person need to compromise in a relationship before he or she turns into someone not him/herself? And so I moved on. I can’t help but to be amazed with how men could also react in such ways over things that involves emotions. Perhaps I’m so used of being with men who responded otherwise when it comes to feelings. Or have men becoming desperate and more demanding when it comes to finding the right one too? Perhaps.

Fyi, ego mentioned earlier is mine-not theirs.

Blog: The evolution of MIRC - No?

Sigh. Finally.

I've been wanting to blog since like 1001 years ago. Quoted from my BFF Jon, "Cha, I think I could actually count the number of posts by using my fingers in your blog,". Yea, I know, I'm not quite a blogger and no, I don't belong to any of the bloggers groups which are mushrooming like every where today.

So why do people blog?
So to be able to express themselves? Or maybe to share interests with others?
Or is it just really a replacement to the good old "diary" which every good girl must have?
Or maybe it is just a venue to talk about topics or issues which oneself thinks it is interesting hence worth sharing it with others? I'm just curious. (I hope I won't get banned from the blogging world after this para).

Some good friends of mine came down from KK last weekend. Despite my crazy schedule, I actually managed to spend the whole weekend with them (which I'm glad I did). They are avid bloggers. Period. So most of our conversations were all inter-related to their "blogging community" (need to check if such term exists). From sharing all the names of the bloggers to the updates on the gathering that they just had back home, it's overwhelming. What really strike my fancy was when they told me about this local blogger, a girl, probably 16 or 18 who wrote a topic on "How to be a Eurasian" - summary: she was saying Eurasians are all that (Okay, I have nothing against Eurasians, in fact, my sister is married to an Italian and has a daughter who is technically a Eurasian). But seriously, what had happened to our generation today? Aren't we proud of who we are and where we came from? (Obviously not). Funny. Admiration is harmless. But to praise highly on other races like they are any different from the other human race and uh, oh, to preach others on how to becoming like one? That's TOO much. Unbelievable.

Okay, okay, I guess it's unethical for me to write about other blogger's blog in my blog (phew! notice how many times the word "blog" used in the sentence?). I think we have becoming TOO disconnected in this oh-so connected world. Guess we've been fed with too much knowledge (whether it's good or bad, regardless) and as human as we are, we tend to accept everything without even filtering them with our conscious mind.

I suppose blogging really IS interesting. It's not only serves as a space to share our interests but simultaneously, it also reflects on how the generation today think and what is important to them. Sigh. How sad. How did we get into this mess anyway? Scary. Yea, being in the industry that I'm in now, I probably know the answer to that question. But I guess I've decided to be in denial. At least for now. God bless our generation.

Oh well.

The real deal...
Living in KL, the choices of places to eat are just so amazing. I actually took some pictures of the meals that I had and decided to upload them on this post - although it has nothing to do with the first few para of my ramblings. Enjoy! :)

If you ask me why I blog, well I take it that blog is a replacement to the good old diary - and I am a good girl :)


Paddington House of Pancakes...yummy!


Sighness...






Courtesy of Bubba Gump...OMG! Cannot tahan leh!



Non other than 'em famous meatballs @Ikea...


Bianco...just below my apartment! Noice!


The famous roast duck by Four Seasons @ CapSquare

Moving on - Easier said than done - No?

Woke up today with a crave of cheesy nachos. Weird, I know. Well it's just so natural of me to think of food the first thing when I wake up from my sleep. It's Saturday. I was woken up by the sound of incoming text msg on my cell. Twas 6am. Yes, 6am! Then I realized it's Saturday. Dangs! I actually didn't go out for party last nite. Weird? Not really. It's just one of those days when I feel like staying at home and shutting the world down around me. So after checking the text msg (from someone that I least expected to text me at that hour), I saw a missed call notification too. Twas my ex. Hmm...the norm. He must be out drinking last nite and had a drunk-dial on me again. It's been like that for the past 2 months or so. It's either him or I to drunk-dial each other every weekend. Okay THAT's weird. We were supposed to be helping each other to move on but that's not quite what we're doing right now. Damn. Oh well. "Let's just go with the flow" the last time we spoke. But when he found out I didn't go home on one weekend, he started to be distant (in my language, he started to be himself again -- annoying). I did ask him if everything's okay but he acted cool -- like he's cool for not knowing my whereabout for one day (see? annoying). Hmmm that's when I realized whether the flow that we are going with is worth going with at all.

Oh well. Maybe I should be moving on. Like really MOVE ON (no more mentioning about him whenever my girlfriends start to talk about their other halves. Pathetic.). I can't be hanging on on something (or someone) that's not quite sure what he wants to do with the relationship or be it me. Sigh. This is too much. It's funny how feelings can play with our mind. At one point I thought my ex was the only man that i would live my life or to die for. Yea I know, I'm such a hopeless lover. I wanted so much to believe that I could see myself in the next 10 years living in a house near the beach with him. But that image, that vision of the future just doesn't feel right everytime I tried to picture them. Omg. Is this really the sign? The sign of me moving on? I'm scared but at the same time I'm proud of myself too. Scared because I finally manage to detach myself from him and that thought of not having him in my life at all is just so dark and cold - if you know what i mean. Proud because, I've finally thought my sense out of it --that i no longer in a relationship with him so why linger. Life and its wonders. You lose some, you win some. I suppose.

Sigh. Life's like that. It's sh*tty, but i have to be strong (got that from a good friend a long time ago and I still take it as a good word of advice).

It's Saturday, what am I doing here.

Echa and her i-need-life-syndrome

I'm bored. I should be out right now, dunno where to, but I shouldn't be at home, alone. But there's something inside of me keeps on telling me not to be out, something like, i should be with myself...for now. I think i should have been spending more time thinking about what i should do with my life next rather than just letting things go with the flow. I left KK, good choice. But i have to live my life without my family around, not good. I thought I could be happier here because i thought i'd be closer to my boyfriend, wrong. And now that we broke up, i'm losing hope in love, biggest mistake. Damn. I hate this phase. You know when they say life is like a wheel, it has its own ups and downs. I think i'm at its downside now and it just keep going on and on relentlessly. Nothing good has happen in my life this year, so far. It's scary. I just dunno for how long i can stand with all these. I'm just scared i'm gonna snap and change my direction in life again. Well, i'm not surprised if i suddenly decide to pack my bag and just go back to my hometown. The place where real humans still exist.

I think I think too much.