My Playground

Here's to say goodbye to all the unwanted drama in my life ;)

My Playground

Enjoy!

Life is not that bad after all

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Love the ones who don't just because you can.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Kiss slowly.
Forgive quickly.
God never said life would be easy.
He just promised it would be worth it.

Got this from a colleague of mine yesterday and I'm loving it ;)

And yea, life is not that bad after all.

That empty phase

It'll be less than a month before I start my new job. So it's what people would call it as my "honeymoon" phase in the current agency that I'm working with now. With the event that I was suppose to work on being postponed to a later date, I really got nothing to do in the office now. Oh well.

That aside, after all the drama with the relationship-that-was-not-meant-to-be, I'm starting to move on now. Slowly, but surely. And I'm very sure that he's doing fine too. Well at least, that's what it shows on his Fb profile. "There was a third party involved in your previous relationship. But don't worry, it's all over now. Really over," according to the tarrot card reader few days ago when she read about my love life.

And I believe her.

Oh well. Life goes on.

Okay I really need to start exercising soon before I turn into a couchy potato.

Chicken balls with Evon at the side

Hah. That's not really what I'm going to ramble about now (I'm actually having fried chicken balls at Bistro 69 with my ex-colleague Evon as we speak).

This particular entry is about him. Yea him---the one I thought who got away. It was like three years ago, no hang on, I think it was exactly on Nov 28, in 2005 that I made an entry on my blog about how I've moved on from him. And today, I am doing it again. Yea I'm not proud of myself. Because it shows how I've repeated the same mistake over and over again. And the worse part of it is, I did not learn a thing from what happened in the past. Hence, the repetition. Why didn't I? I dunno. So yea, here I am today. Regret? Yea a little bit. Angry? Hell yea. At myself mostly. I'm angry because I was the third person in the relationship again. And I pity his girlfriend (and his ex-girlfriend back in three years ago). And I believe in Karma---somehow or rather. Oh well.

What's done is done. It can't be mended. Regardless. We had something going on. But that's about it. Ego took place in everything. It's just a relationship that's never meant to be. We always, always, met at the wrong side of the stick. So yea. Leave it be.

Blah.

It is done.

It took six sheets of paper printed out before I could get it right. Yea, my resignation letter. Guess I just wanted to make sure that the letter was professionally written---and not emotionally.

Ah well.

Signed. Sealed. And to be delivered by tomorrow.

10 things

The list of things that somehow or rather affected my life as of late:

1. MJ died :'(
2. Spent my last Friday night with Mr. I and he's now back to his work and alot of travelling again (yea like alot). To date, I still don't know where we stand.
3. I'm over that someone. Like really over him. I mean why would I be bothered to cling to someone who's attached (who's stuck in a LDR to be specific) and simultaneously (and consistently) treated me like his emotional cushion? So yea, I'm over it. Go nurse your I-just-want-to-be-comforted-when-my-girlfriend-is-not-around-sad-ass somewhere else.
4. I'm back to my just-me state. Alone, but I'm somewhat relieved.
5. Made friend with my ex again (in KK, of all places). Crossing my fingers tightly so I'd get my iPhones soon *winks*
6. I'm working on a music project with a good girlfriend of mine. July 31. Can't wait ;)
7. It's going to be my last month with Crush.
8. And I'm working on my last assignment here *mixedfeelings*
9. I can't wait for Mr. A to come to KL in July.
10. Actually, both Mr. I and Mr. A are coming down to KL in July *gasps*

Yea, that's pretty much summed it all.

Me singing, ~~so, so what, I'm still a rockstar!

This too will pass

Groggy, grumpy, woozy, sluggish, dazed.

And all of the above.

I'm sleepy. At work and sleepy. Yea, what's new. It's been like this since...three months ago? Can't recall. I still have one assignment to complete before I can really bid adios to this current agency that I'm attached with. Honestly, I can't wait to leave. But I'm not really the half-way type of person. I've already step my foot in the project from the beginning, and so I shall complete the course. Yea, I take commitments and responsibilities seriously. But that aside, I am desperately ready to leave---okay let's not even go there.

Hmmm I'm still sleepy.

And no, it has nothing to do with you---it's just me. Fickle.

Home not-so-sweet home???

Three more days to go and I'll be back to life again---to the reality to be more precisely. It's not that I'm counting the days before I leave KK, it's just that I really feel I can't stay too long in KK anymore. Sad. I used to love this place so much. But a lot of things have changed around here. The town is getting congested everyday (for no reason. Or I suppose they really need to build more parking spaces around town so it won't be too crowded with cars), the people are getting slower and slower everyday (generally---and it has always been like this as far as I could recall, but it's just getting from bad to worst) and the quality of services around here remain status quo (e.g. I was at one of this famous "suppose to be" five star resort to meet a friend today, and while I was walking to the main lobby, I was being orally harrased by the maintanance people while they were working---that just turned me off like big time!). Talk about lack of work etiquette. Narsh.

So yea, but I can only grunt and complain. It takes a whole lot more than just bitching to fix things around here. But yea, do they care? No.

It's annoying. Sad and annoying. Sigh.

Him---And it'll always be him.

He regretted.

He compares me with his new girlfriend every second---"Clarissa will never do this, Clarissa has never done that, etc."

He has not moved on moved on after all.

He wants me to be happy.

He realized he was treating me wrong the last time.

And most of all, after being with someone else but not me, he realized no one could love him better than I do.

He sighs every second now.

He's definitely not happy.

He has changed.

He's not that jolliest person I've ever known before.

He's just so different now.

He thinks before he utter any word to me.

He thinks before he reacts to the things that I say.

He notices me.

He completes me---or maybe used to.

He's my ex-boyfriend---today.

And I'm overwhelmed.

*He: Someone whom I so thought I was going to say "I do" to. And so I thought.

C: What do you think would happen if we didn't break things up last year?
J: *Clears throat* We'll be married by now.

So what's this with men and their a-little-too-late act?

I am still overwhelmed.

When one door closes, there's always the back door

Or maybe the chimney---too bad our houses are all chimney-less though.

So I got the job (just can't stop smiling from one ear to the other now). Let's see how the detailed offer would be. Will get back on this one---soonest.

Meanwhile, I'm in love. So what if we're not meant to be with each other---I'd still love him. And I'm not expecting anything out of it. I'm just loving this feeling---and am embracing it tightly.

He makes me feel like dancing. It's euphoric.

Guess the push-and-pull state is not a bad thing after all.

Ah it's that issue about work again!

I was once a very motivated employee in the agency. Asked any question, I would be able to answer them or at least will do my own private research until I found the answer. I picked things up very fast and I radiated positive energy to every one around me---including the tea lady. Multi-tasking was never really an issue to me and I'd drive around to meet Clients everyday or even just to do any errand although it's not mine to worry about. The people at work were like family to me. I was happy.

That was then.

Now, I'm just one of the furniture in the office---whether or not I'm an attractive one, that is not for me to judge (well do I sound like I care now?). I spend my work hours on the Net---making sure my Facebook profile is updated every minute, I Twit randomly every second and heck, I blog. These are the kinda things which I have refrained myself from doing when I was motivated at work. But that is no longer the case here.

I love my job. I still do. But nothing inspires me anymore. I see people left the agency---and perhaps most of them are those who used to drive me; inspired me. I thought I could pass on their passion to my juniors---or so I thought. I was a well-trained blind, who tried to lead the blinds without any proper (or professional) guidance. Sigh. Yea maybe I didn't try enough. But hey, I just don't see the point of trying anymore. I mean like, who cares about things around here? Bitching about own team mates are far more important and "exciting" things to do than doing something worthwhile---like actually, work.

Yea somehow the newbies have inculcated the "bitching" culture in the office. Everyone bitches here---the Finance peeps bitch about the Managers, the Managers bitch about the Executives, the Executives bitch about the Creative team, heck everyone bitches about the GM! Now, I'm not claiming that I'm a Saint---I do bitch. Like alot. But I don't bitch about my colleagues with the Clients. That's like a big NO-NO. But yea, it happens here. And the sucky part about it? Everyone seems to be okay with it. It's supposed to be part of the "PR" initiatives---And so they say. I majored in Public Relations before, and I've never learnt that bitching-about-your -colleagues-to-the-Clients will help in the growth of the agency. Or maybe it's just one of the subjects that you'd learn outside the classroom.

Or maybe you're not suppose to do that. Ethically.

Dangs.

Yea I'm helpless. I need a fresh environment. Like a good friend used to tell me "If you don't like where you are, move along. You're not a tree." Hence, that's exactly I'm going to do if not sooner, the soonest.

I can't stand spending most of my hours of the day with people who bitches 24/7.

I'm not inspired by the "talk-too-much-but-never-do-anything-about-things" management.

My somewhat comfort and happy zone has been violated.

I just want to leave already.

Hang on, I AM already leaving...

Sometimes when you see nothing, you see everything.

I see nothing. Still.

To love and to be loved

This is crazy.

Just when I thought he has been "the one who got away".

It's all coming back to me now.

He's the answer to my question. He has always been.

BUT I have obligations; sister (who has been the greatest influential person in my life) encourages me to settle down or at least date a foreigner (non-Malaysian to be precise)---this has been planted in my system since forever and I breathe everyday with that strong thought and desire. Best friend on the other hand, just hates him---just because of what he has done to me in the past.

The past; which I have successfully erased that part of him from my memories.

Now that he's back in my life---I don't want anything else but him.

Me wanting him---that's just against every thing in my system. Now and then.

Sigh. Obligations.

I've been taking my baby steps towards getting a non-Malaysian boyfriend and I was almost there. Almost. (I'm officially superficial at this line).

Until he decided to pop back into my life again. Unannounced. And the feelings are still the same. Amazing.

Is this love?

I don't know.

If it is, then why does it choose to appear at the very wrong time? Why did he even choose to come back into my life again at this time after all the years of being fully disconnected from each other?

Letting things to go with the flow is an option BUT there's also a saying that goes like; what flows in easily will flow out easily too---sigh.

I think too much. I'm too careful.

I just want to love and to be loved already.

Narsh.

Sunday blues

It's Sunday--and so thought I could sleep in more than I had yesterday, but somehow I was woken up by this loud cheers came from outside my apartment. Took a glance from my bedroom window and the cheers came from this primary school just behind the apartment--the kids were having their Sports Day...aaaaawww how cute, I thought. Well I was never really an athletic person (I was active in school but I mainly did sports games and nothing solo), but I was always into this kinda school events--always had something to do for the Sports Day--be it in the marching team, the pom-pom team, or even in the Red Cross on duty--I was always there. So when I saw these kids were cheering for their teams, I felt somewhat like I'm a kid again--a small girl who was carefree--a small girl who jumped and skipped around in the school field worry-free. Sigh. I miss those state of mind.

Yea I am still demotivated at this moment.

...
..
.

Someone please kick my back (no, not in that way)--just wake me up already!

The need for a change is back in town again

I'm officially at the brink of leaving my job again. I love my job--undoubtedly. I love the people that I'm working with but I guess that no longer inspire me. I want more. Urgh. I hate this phase--although I knew somehow that I will get here some day since this is not the first time I'm having the urge to move on--it's somewhat seasonal. My drive for a change is driving me nuts. I can't imagine how is the place which I used to call my second home before has becoming more and more mundane to me? Trust me, I've done all I could to spice things up again but it somehow just couldn't work anymore. Sigh. I don't know.

Can I just move on already?

My life is like a circus and I am the juggler

Life around me has been like a busy circus-work's getting unusually demotivating, issues at the home front, house mate is moving out, old flame's asking for another shot but I'm crazy about someone who's thousand miles away although we've only met twice...sigh. I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder where do I get the strength to carry on from. Perhaps it's true what most people say today-we're getting desperate during this economic downturn. Nothing we do today seems right. Everything will or eventually lead to a disaster-well maybe disaster is a strong word-perhaps conflict is more appropriate. I don't know. I hate confrontation, I don't want to choose, I don't want to decide-I'm just wishing for everything to turn out well (although somehow in the midst of all this drama, that wish is just so beyond reach).

Oh well. Keep me sane already.

23rd Psalm

1. The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
2. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still
waters.
3. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His
name's sake.
4. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no
evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
5. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou
anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will
dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Words of comfort especially dedicated to my friend and his family for the loss of their beloved mom, wife, sister and granny on March 11, 2009.

May her soul rest in peace.

Numb

Half of my day went well today until I saw a text from a good friend of mine. His mom (who has been sick on and off as of late), just got admitted in the hospital again today. If months ago it was because of her eyes, today, she had a sudden seizure, of which she was only suppose to go for a normal check up. She woke up without recognizing my friend-her own son. Sigh. I got numb for a moment after reading the text. I don't think I would know what to do if I were to be in my friend's shoes. I called up my dad straight away and just kept quiet after saying "hello". Something is up, my dad must thought. He started a conversation immediately. He knew. He cracked a joke and made me laugh, naturally. And so I told him what had happened. His tone changed. I heard the voices of my nephews of 9 and 11 and niece of 5 years old at the background. Their voices somehow diverted the mood of our conversation. And this time, I tried to change the topic by asking how everyone is doing back home. "They're all fine" my dad said. Awkward silence. My dad asked about my friend's mom again. And so we talked it through. "There's nothing we can do. Just be strong for your friend," my dad said. With that, I wanted so much to be home now. To be with my family. To feel secure. But my dad was right. I have to be strong. Not just for my friend. But for myself too. Sooner or later, we will lose the people that we love regardless. Nothing stays permanently on earth. Until the time comes, we just have to be prepared. Anticipate for the worst to happen-so the pain will be easier to endure.

I'm aware of this.

Very much.

But for now, I just want to stay numb.

*All my prayers to my friend's mom and family*

New me, same story...slightly different episode

I cut my hair short again. Shorter actually. Okay like very short. What drove me? I don't know. I just feel like doing it. I guess this is one of the beauty parts about being single-I do things for myself. Come to think of it, I do everything for myself now. From how I work my ass off just to make sure I get my pay by end of the month (so I can reward myself decently) to the things that I enjoy doing over the weekend (staying in and DVD marathon alone at home are one of those), I decide. The thrill of doing things for myself actually makes me feel good. It makes me feel somewhat functional. Have I never felt this good about myself when I was seeing someone before? Or have I becoming one of those women in their late twenties who opposed relationship (and marriage) incessantly? I don't know. I admit, I do feel lonely at times. Empty, more like it. But I have somehow learn to counter those feelings. And yea, I'm comfortable with the emptiness. I know at this point, I should be scared with my resistance of relationship, but I'm not. Funny. I used to be very sure about relationship. I still am actually-seeing my parents who have been with each other for almost four decades and are still together 'til today. But I guess I'm just safeguarding my feelings. Fell in love as equally the same amount of time I was being heartbroken just doesn't help the situation for the better. It's exhausting.

Perhaps I'm meant to be single. Or perhaps I have not found the right one for me. "The right one", does he even exist? Will this episode in my life ever ends?

Perhaps.

Lent

After so many years, I have finally decided to surrender myself to God again. Saying this, it did not mean that I was not a believer before. I do have faith-it’s only that I had never really connect myself to God-and to the others who praised Him. Because I could not forgive myself for being sinful, I was holding back for many years to profess my faith. Mom was doing the right thing when she dragged me to the penitential service back home last Christmas. It was then I realized how forgiving He is. And so I felt welcomed to His house again. As a result to this, I know that the relationship between Him and I does not only take place on Christmas. So this year, I resolute or at least try to pursue what the other disciples usually do-being sincere to Him, regardless. Hence, I am now committing to the meaning of Lent. Lent is the time for abstinence and repentance. For most, fasting is one way to show abstinence. Now I know I have just reclaimed my faith in Him, however, I do believe that Lent is more than just being humble and modest. Lent is the time for one to pause-to relax. Today, temptations to power, lust and money are happening everywhere. It is, undoubtedly, a human nature to have desires but somehow most desires are devilish which will or most of the time leads to disastrous endings. I must admit that human everywhere is corrupted. And by copycatting one another will not result to any good to anyone. That is why the need to pause is necessary. And to me, Lent is the best time to relook at the ways we have lead our lives-to reanalyze, to cut down any excessive doings and spending and of course, to overcome temptations. And it is also somehow or rather a good time to have a check on our daily diet (it’s time to chuck that at-least-twice-a-week-(or more)-visits-to-uncle-Ronald’s-outlet habit). Most importantly, Lent conveys hope-the hope to be a better person.

And yes, that’s how I look at Lent.

“How do we know whether we can defy temptations? We need to be. We need to go to the places where our faith is always challenged. See if we can conquer our desires. If we disregard them, now that’s when we know we have passed the trials.” - excerpted (not in verbatim) from the sermon during the last Holy mass in St. Ignatius Church.

Last Sunday

Another weekend has just gone by. On Sunday, I decided to take a short nap in the afternoon. But somehow I couldn’t sleep-hence; I tried to kill the time with Paulo Coelho (my latest inspiration). It was raining outside and I thought a nice weather like this would be wasted if it does not accompanied by a nice nap. And so I tried to sleep again…and again. My eyes were shut but my mind was wandering. All sorts of things came to my mind; work, my family back home, the need for me to go for a holiday-and they just wouldn’t stop. My mind skipped from one subject to another. It was indeed tiring. When I opened my eyes, the rain almost stops and the daylight has subsided. It was already dark-the living hall where I was in felt so cold all of the sudden. There I was, alone. It has been like this since, if I can recall clearly, for the past two to three weeks. This, I must admit, is my own choice-to be alone. Had two “so-called” intimate relationships in the past few months with two guys consecutively, and they both ended up with the same reason-ego. In summary, one guy could not take the fact that I raised my voice on him (of which until today I think he deserved my tantrum) and the other one was trying to transform me into a different person (not for the better or for the worst-but just different). I can’t deal with both. How far does a person need to compromise in a relationship before he or she turns into someone not him/herself? And so I moved on. I can’t help but to be amazed with how men could also react in such ways over things that involves emotions. Perhaps I’m so used of being with men who responded otherwise when it comes to feelings. Or have men becoming desperate and more demanding when it comes to finding the right one too? Perhaps.

Fyi, ego mentioned earlier is mine-not theirs.